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Just a little excerpt from a conversation between Demetri and me about the Sloganizer, that wonderful little piece of javascript I link to on the last page, and right there. There was more, and worse, than this... but no funnier. ...Oh, a lot worse.

 

Booshwashna: im horible lol
SacredCow900: ...yep
Booshwashna: gee, your cancurous dick smells terrific
Booshwashna: hahaha, the rhyme is so appealing
Booshwashna: give a meal cancurous dick-appeal
Booshwashna: For a Hard-Earned Thirst, Cancurous Dick
Booshwashna: god hahahahahha
SacredCow900: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
SacredCow900: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
SacredCow900: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Booshwashna: Double the Pleasure, Double the Cancurous Dick.
Booshwashna: double the penetration
SacredCow900: hahaha
Booshwashna: There's First Love, and There's Self-Fisting Love.
Booshwashna: hahahaha
Booshwashna: i did not know that
SacredCow900: wow
SacredCow900: me neither

Booshwashna: The Best Self-Fisting A Man Can Get.
SacredCow900: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Booshwashna: See the Face You Love Light Up With Self-Fisting.
Booshwashna: hahahah
Booshwashna: i bet
SacredCow900: hahahahahahahahaha
Booshwashna: Fill It To The Rim With Self-Fisting.
Booshwashna: i would assume
SacredCow900: yeah really
Booshwashna: hahhahaahhahah
Booshwashna: 8 out of 10 Owners who Expressed a Preference said Their Cats Preferred Self-Fisting.
Booshwashna: noooooooooooooooooooooo
Booshwashna: noooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

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This is a song I wrote. I performed it at campfire this past summer. Candlelight campfire, which is the last one of the year. In front of 200-some-odd people. I think it went over pretty well. Afterwards, a bunch of people asked me about the lyrics, so here they are. (Yeah, yeah, I wrote it with someone in mind.) I introduced it by saying it was pretty ironic that I was playing it at campfire: it's called Seven Years, which is how long I'd been going to FLC. It basically says that after all that time, the choice of whether or not I would do it again would be really shaky and all the time I spent there would be largely meaningless, if not for...

Here are the lyrics, in the context of the song's format. I'll see if I can get an mp3 of it up here... that would quite rock.

 

Seven Years

 

*Intro*

 

Seven Years: no more than my

Breath exhaled as mist in the cold night sky

Except your eyes, still clear as day

But I always knew it would end this way

 

But when I saw you, like a moth to a flame

I bet my heart on the sound of your name

Now my wings burn red and blue

A fitting sacrifice for you

 

*Solo 1*

 

(White starlight on a moonless night

In a world of wrong, the only right)

 

When my hope blows off into the skies

And all the warmth within me dies

And I think I should do the same

The winter wind whispers your name

 

*Solo 2*

 

May you find the love you should

May he treat you yet better than even I would

Theres someone out there for me too

I pray to God shes just like you

 

*Outro*

 

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The following is an actual transcription of an IM conversation between me and John Mcafee.

 

jrpmcafee: you call back zits bacne, right
SacredCow900: ssure
jrpmcafee: what do you call zits on a girl's chest
SacredCow900: titsne
jrpmcafee: racne
SacredCow900: HA
jrpmcafee: and what do you call dick zits caused by masturbation
SacredCow900: jacne
jrpmcafee: another acceptable answer would be wacne
SacredCow900: what do you call zits on saddam hussein?
jrpmcafee: iraqne?
SacredCow900: how about zits on a 7-foot basketball player?
jrpmcafee: shaqne
SacredCow900: hahahaha
SacredCow900: i love it
jrpmcafee: running zits/
SacredCow900: tracne
jrpmcafee: zits on your leg joint
SacredCow900: kneene
jrpmcafee: prezacktly
jrpmcafee: ah zits
SacredCow900: zits on your ass
jrpmcafee: is it possible for them to not be funny
jrpmcafee: crackne
SacredCow900: oh, here's a tough one
SacredCow900: zits on your face in the shape of someone's hand
jrpmcafee: slapne?
SacredCow900: smackne
jrpmcafee: that's also the name of zits caused by certain drugs
SacredCow900: zits caused be doing speed!
SacredCow900: no, that's methne, that doesn't work
jrpmcafee: stupid doctor zits
SacredCow900: ahh. quacne
jrpmcafee: yump
jrpmcafee: okay, you poke yourself with a small pin and it gets infected and turns into a zit
SacredCow900: prickne?
jrpmcafee: tacne
SacredCow900: hahahaha
jrpmcafee: I should go to bed
SacredCow900: zits on your back where your bookbag sits
jrpmcafee: pacne?
SacredCow900: pacne
SacredCow900: zits on your dick, in boston
jrpmcafee: zits caused by an adroitness at something
jrpmcafee: cahcne
jrpmcafee: (that's the answer to yours)
SacredCow900: ha! you got it!
jrpmcafee: knacne
SacredCow900: Jesus
jrpmcafee: yes?
SacredCow900: mcafee, i know not to accept cheap imitations when it comes to Jesuses
jrpmcafee: jesoi
jrpmcafee: the plural of phallus is phalloi because it is greek derived
SacredCow900: [flips you off]
jrpmcafee: and the plural of jesus has to be jesoi
SacredCow900: zits caused by not working
SacredCow900: oh come on
jrpmcafee signed off at 12:52:10 AM.

 

The answer was slacne.

 

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Here's a message I sent to the Dartmouth Student Assembly, in response to an e-mail poll they sent out. I quoted the text of the original message in my reply. To boot means to puke from drinking too much.

 

Date: 08 May 2003 18:51:59 EDT
From: Daniel J. Moynihan
Reply-To: thesorcerersapprentice
Subject: Re: Important Survey
To: Student Assembly

 

1) What are your suggestions or ideas for an Official Dartmouth Mascot? Anything goes...

 

Well, having to buy all new dartmouth apparel would suck, so it should be something green. The grass? No, no. Trees! No, that's equally lame. What do we have a lot of here? Dogs? Hippies? ...Beer? How about dragons. They're green. At least they would be, if we said they were green. They can be beer-drinking dragons, who boot fire.

 

2) (Optional) Do you feel that having a mascot officially recognized by the College would enhance Dartmouth?

 

Yes. A lot. In fact, I won't go here anymore if you don't decide on one, because it sucks that much here without a mascot. Actually, that last part isn't true, but you can tell the administration that if it helps your cause.

 

3) (Optional) Do you want "The Big Green" to become the
officially recognized mascot?

 

NO! We should have a mascot, but we're not so desperate for one that we'd want an amorphous color.

 

 

 

This is from the liner notes of a Talking Heads CD. It amuses the bejesus out of me.

 

TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily. There is no music in space. People will pay to watch people make sounds. Everything on stage should be larger than in real life.

LIVING WITH OTHER PEOPLE: Violence on television only affects children whose parents are like television personalities. Table manners are for people who have nothing better to do. Civilization is a religion. Civilized people walk funny. There is always a party going on somewhere. People will remember you better if you always wear the same outfit.

LIFE ON EARTH: Men like pastries, women like custards. Scientists have invented a love drug, but it only works on bugs. Animals like earthquakes, tornadoes and volcanic activity. Nuclear weapons can wipe out life on Earth, if used properly. Cats like houses better than people. Dolphins find people amusing, but they don't want to talk to them. People look ridiculous when they're in ecstasy. Schools are for training people how to listen to other people. Body odor is the window to the soul. Sound is worth money.

IN THE HOME: There have been cases where people's shoes got stuck on their feet and could never be removed. The best way to get rid of unwanted flying insects is to have strong body odor. There hasn't been a good-looking American car in 20 years. There is always something on television. The best length for television programs is either 30 seconds or 8 hours.

THE SPACE PEOPLE: Space people read our mail. The Space People think that TV news programs are comedies, and that soap operas are news. The Space People will contact us when they can make money by doing so. The Spece People think factories are musical instruments. They sing along with them. Each song lasts from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. No music on weekends.

MONEY: People will do odd things if you give them money. When everything is worth money, then money is worth nothing. If you keep your money in your shoe, then people will know which bills are yours. If you crumple your money into little balls, it will never stick together. The best way to touch money is by the edges. U.S. money is the worst looking money in the world.

WORLD TRAVEL: Passport pictures are what people really look like. Rich people will travel great distances to look at poor people. Toast is the national dish of Australia. People never travel to look at flat landscapes. People would rather watch things than eat. Looking at postcards is better than looking at the real thing. Looking up is as scary as looking down.

IN THE FUTURE: In the future, women will have breasts all over. In the future, it will be a relief to fina a place without culture. In the future, plates of food will have names and titles. In the future, we will all drive standing up. In the future, love will be taught on television and by listening to pop songs.

WORK: Crime is a job. Sex is a job. Growing up is a job. School is a job. Going to parties is a job. Religion is a job. Being creative is a job.

 

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Two of my favorite words in the world and their rough English translations:

"Charogne" [Noun, French]

Translates to: "Carcass," however, if used in any context other than to describe the corpse of an animal, roughly translates to: "Bastard son of a bitch motherfucker"

"Bomboclat!" [Interjection, Patois]

Roughly translates to: "Fuck shit piss!"

 

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